BPD & DBT? No Wonder I am So Confused!

Anyone who says their family is perfect is full of crap!!! And when you have friends and neighbors and YOU think their lives are perfect, then you are full of crap! Truth is there is no such thing as a perfect couple, perfect kid, perfect family or marriage. The only thing that has been perfect on this earth was Jesus Christ. He never sinned, but He was tested, and He loved. That word "LOVE" is such a strong word.

The word "LOVE", and the many uses for it is unlimited. It actually can mean both hate and love, depending on the way it is presented. But I love to use it in the way of, "I love you with all my heart". It is an easy word to say, but for some people (like me) it is hard to believe. It is hard for me to believe that anyone can love me because honestly, I'm not sure I love myself. I don't know how many people feel that way, but I have found out why I feel it. I have a mental disease called Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD for short. It is a very complicated disease to have, basically it sucks and there is no pill that will make it go away. But I'm getting help, I am going to this therapy called:
DBT - Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT was designed specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. Generally done through individual, group and phone counseling, DBT uses a skills-based approach to teach you how to regulate your emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships. So the people around me, really only my family knows what truly the symptoms are. I have been in distress so many times, which puts my family in distress. It has been very hard on them and myself.

So this "LOVE" thing to me is wild. Mike is such a wonderful leader, he's so patient, he has never threatened to leave me, even though I have done it to him many times, and he helps the kids try to understand all the chaos that is happening in our lives. When Mike says he loves me he actually means it, even though I don't know how he can. So when he says, "I love you", in my mind all I think is,"why and how". But when I say it to him I mean it. I truly mean it, I love Mike so much that the words don't do it justice. But through my DBT I will learn to understand his love for me and I will learn to love and forgive myself.

Introducing... "Gloria", The Snow Mermaid

Anyone in the Kansas City area knows a couple of nights ago we received about 1-2 inches of snow. It was enough to call most schools out. But luckily not ours!!! My children were so mad, but I sure wasn't. Last week they had 2 days off from school and the week before that they had Friday off. Of course they will be home this Monday for the holiday. I'm telling you that our children are always out of school, especially 3rd quarter. You are probably thinking, "What kind of Mom are you that you don't want your kids home". When they are home from school I usually have at least 4-5 extra kids in my house to: feed, continuously ask them to clean up their messes, trying to sneak food in their rooms, and worse of all they take over the computer. But I love all of those "extra" kids, so I can't complain.

The snow we got was perfect for making snowmen or having a snowball fight. None of which my children did. But last night I couldn't sleep. Have you ever had one of those nights when you just can't settle down to sleep? I seem to have them very often, but last night was different. Instead of curling up on our warm comfy sofa, with the TV remote, a big glass of water, pillows, and at least two comforters...I went outside at around 10:00pm and started playing in the snow. I had on my slippers, no coat, just a scarf, and mittens. The worst part about it was I was in my pajamas. But I was so excited to go out there and dig into that snow that I didn't care.

I tried to get my oldest daughter, Sarah-Kate, to come outside with me, but she said it was too cold (Whatever!) My husband, Mike, wasn't home because he works weird hours. None of that stopped me from going outside to try to make something out of that perfect white icy snow. Even if it was very dark, and I couldn't see very well, or the fact I didn't have a shovel to help move the snow. I went into the garage and started looking through Mike's tools. I found exactly what I needed...a big squeegee thing. He uses it when he washes out the garage floor and it pushes the water out. Basically a big windshield wiper on a stick. I moved some snow and got started.

First I made a big ball of snow thinking I was going to make a snowman. But everyone makes snowmen with the carrot for a nose and stones for his eyes. I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to be like everyone else. I guess you could say I'm a bit competitive. I was looking at my big white cold snowball and knew that a regular snowman would not do our family and house justice. So my brain juices started running, and I decided I was going to make an octopus out of this ball. I started making the tentacles, two actually, and realized I forgot if they have eight or twelve tentacles. So that was out. Then I thought I would make a spider instead. I knew spiders only had 8 legs and I was going to use black shiny glass beads for the eyes. But how many eyes? Then I started second guessing myself and was thinking spiders only have six legs. That sounded wrong too, so I gave up on that idea.

After one hour outside I had a third idea. I was going to make a person look like they were buried in the snow. Like in that episode of "Friends" when Joey gets buried in the sand, but has boobs. That is what I was going to do. The two tentacles were transformed into arms and away I went. After awhile I realized I didn't like that idea either, but left the "arms". It was getting close to two hours outside, then...

Finally, I GOT IT!!!! After being in the snow with just a scarf, mittens, and my slippers I knew what I was going to make. I was going to make a full bodied MERMAID!!!! So I formed the body, it took awhile because our dog, Boo, kept running through her fins. I perfectly formed the body and tail. I even smoothed out the body, tail, made her head smaller, and made BOOBS! I knew I couldn't keep "Gloria the Snow Mermaid" naked because we have neighbors with young kids...so back to the garage for supplies.

I had a bag full of leis, and two different kinds of grass skirts. I bought them for a Hula Party we never had. I pulled out a sparkly green hula skirt for her hair. When I did that I knew I made the right decision to make a mermaid, plus it was now about two or more hours I have been outside. I used two blue flowers from a lei for the eyes and red flowers for the mouth. I was almost done. The only thing left would be the coconut shells to go over the boobs. At that time all I could think of was that Heidi girl from "The Hills", and how she wanted size "H" implants for "Heidi". Since I was the snow plastic surgeon I was going to make these boob big...real big.

I didn't even think about the size of them until I went to put the shells on her naked private pieces parts. The shells didn't even come close to fitting. I guess I might have a bit of an obsession with snow boobs, or the power to make them any size I want. I had to take snow off the top of them and shove those shells on her. I'm talking packing them in. I have to say I'm pretty proud of Gloria, even if her face does look like Tammy Faye Bakker with green sparkly hair. Last night was so fun, I felt like I did back in Youngstown, OH. We always had snow like this, but better.

A round of Admiration and Love for Everyone, I'm Buying!

Have you ever caught yourself not breathing, and when you finally take that deep breath and your fingertips tingle? Well, I have been having that "Finger Tingle" feeling quite often lately. Anyone who has read any of my Blogs knows that I am very candid with my life from my feelings, my trials, to my triumphs. This is going NOT going to be one of those! No I'm just kidding... kind of. I really only want to touch on a few things because the laughter in our house is back, Thank you Jesus. Later I'll fill you in on December 2011-February 2012. You all have to remind me, because I don't remember things very well on behalf of my three concussions last year.

Mike and I are praying if it is God's Will if we are to start holding support meetings for parents of children who have gone astray. Its purpose is to help parents know and understand;
1. The signs of when the child is starting to get out of control. And trust me the first sign is not just their grades dropping, but that is one of them.
2. Explain the process of "feelings" parents could possibly go through from finding out their children are not perfect to recovery.
3. To teach parents that "Feelings are NOT the Truth", and surviving on the truth.
4. How to stay calm during the first confronting, and not getting manipulated by your child.
5. How to decide on "When is Enough". Setting boundaries and protecting any younger children in the house.
So please say prayers for Mike and I to know that this is what He wants us to do. Thanks in advance, plus I would love to have your input about this. Leave a comment if you would, Thanks

I have an Allie story. She is so funny and very loud, I don't have a clue where she got it. So the other night Sarah-Kate, Allie, and I went to get Sarah-Kate a "Monroe" piercing. When the three of us are together some decisions we make are not always the most correct ones or it could be called making "Bad Choices". In my defense I start out on our adventures ecstatic because I have my girls with me and I know there won't be any fighting between any of us. We picked up Sarah-Kate from work at 5pm and started on our way to Missouri for her piercing. I was late, like usual, picking her up and she was starving. We all decided on AppleBee's off 103rd & State Line. We just ordered and Katy Perry's "Firework" came on and I dared Allie to dance around the restaurant. I told her I would give her $5 bucks if she did (she said she'd do it for free". It was going to be a win/win situation for her since she was already singing (sort of loud) and frolicking in the booth. AND SHE DID IT!!!! I have a video of it, some people were laughing with her and some people were looking at her with eyebrows down not knowing what she was doing. She is really coming out of her shell.

And finally another celebration. On February 5th it will be Mike's Anniversary for being sober for 5 years, he hasn't had a drop of alcohol, NADA, nothing, he just walked away from it. I can't even begin to explain the admiration and love I have for him. It's also going to be a 2 month Anniversary for another beautiful young woman that has been drug and alcohol free. Can we all have a round of applause for them? We have to thank God first because for the last 2 months He was and still is our pilot. I am so grateful and proud of them.

This is getting long so I will wrap it up. I have more stories of Mike and the kids, they are my world. Thank you for taking the time out and reading this. Please comment and follow me...I would really appreciate it. God Bless You and May You Bless God ~ Kristen

What happened to 2011?

Well I hope this new year is a good one. Last year Mike and I said that 2011 was going to be our year. Yep, we said it was but it wasn't. With the difficult times we experienced it made us drop to our knees and just give it all up to God. And that is exactly what we did, that is all we could do. The month of December we really had a hard time with money, kids, family, and our own inner battles. I'm praying we rode out the storms (thanks to God), and won all those battles.

The things our family went through are truly unbelievable. I suffered 3 concussions from Feb. to Dec. My husband went through 3 jobs until the one he has now. And luckily, it is for more pay and he likes it. Sarah-Kate had to go through Hell in the month of December. But the outcome was so worth it. Allie is starting to have that peer pressure to drink and boys. She is staying strong and true to her values. Joe still is battling Marfan Syndrome of course. He had 2 laser eye surgeries in November, and now he is having trouble with his lungs. This is such a horrible disease. He loved to skateboard, I took him and his friends to different parks in the Kansas City area. But his synthetic lenses are now dislocating again and he is not able to skateboard any longer. And then there is Nate. All I want to say about that situation is we no longer speak to him until he makes some lifestyle changes.

But with all that crap we went through there is always things that went well. There were no divorces, we have our health, we all have made new friends, we found a new church, Life Church, and we all love each other. Plus, Mike and I are back on our routine of praying together everyday. The most important thing is I'm closer to God than I was at the beginning of the year. When things are going well in your life you say a real quick "Thank you" and think very litle about Jesus. But when things are bad you honestly realize and reflect that you have not had your alone prayer time with Him, you're not reading your Bible, the music you were listening to had nothing to do with God, and you just kind of let "things" happen. Well none of that for the Hansan Crew, and that makes everyone happy.

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a GREAT year!

My Four Kids.....What A Ride

I have been finding out that I always start my blogs with stating that it has been a long time since last time I wrote. But it is true, our life has been turned all around but we survived it. It is amazing what God can do when you let go and let God take over. So things are looking up, and the kids are crazier than ever.

First let me start with Joe, why not, he is the one who always makes us scratch our heads and look at eachother with our lip curled up on one side, you know what I mean. We are completely confused by the stuff he says and does. And at times I wonder if he was switched at birth because my child would not be so stuck on poop, farting, boobs, and this one Michael Jackson move that he thinks is so funny. And I know the PSAs are all saying that a family that eats dinner together has all this great stuff happen to them, but they have never eaten dinner with our family. If they did that PSA would be removed from the TV so fast your head would spin. The reason why is, Joe does most of his "funny things" at the dinner table. Mike and I look at each other and try so hard not to laugh, because the girls are already laughing. Mike and I start out with a stern look at each other, then at Joe, then back to each other, then it is always Mike that starts to loose it. His shoulders will go up and he gets this silly grin on his face that is now turning red. Right then I tell Mike don't do it, but it is too late he busts out laughing. Then I can't help but laugh because, well I just can't help it. Joe is so funny and cute, even though Marfan Syndrome keeps him from playing sports and a lot of other activities it rarely gets him down. He is one in a million and we are so blessed to have him as a son.

Now Allie has this problem with telling stories. She seems to be unable to tell a whole story. The other day she had some drama in her life and we were talkin about it and what happened at school and how she fixed it. So she is telling me and this is what she says, "So I told her we need to talk about last Friday and her friend said yeah we do...and yah". Done that was the story, wait what? And "yah" what, so I had to ask her just that. She said, "Well we are going to talk about it later....and yah". Come on! Are you serious, I get another "and yah"! So again I have to ask her "then what happened"? She says, "Then Zack picked me up and dragged me to class...and yah". So I told her that if she was in a job interview she would not get the job...and yah. Allie goes this wasn't a job interview I was just telling you a story, and I said poorly. So Allie and I did a mock interview and I was going to interview her. I started with, "So what was your worst retail experience'? She replied, "An old lady yelled at me." I asked, "What did you do about that"? Her reply, "I walked away from her!" I said "WHAT, you walked away from her, she was your customer you can't do that!" She goes, "Mom, chill this isn't for real." Oh yeah, I just got a little excited. But as far as Allie goes as a person she is the most giving, humble, kind, beautiful, person. I love her so much. She takes after me in a lot of ways, but she has a lot of goals and she is driven to become something with her life and that determination comes from Mike.

Our Little Bird, Sarah, thinks she is tough but she is loving and kind. She is a challenge, but I have her figured out. She will never admit that I do, but I do. She is 17 and graduating in Dec. this year. We have always raised our children that they can do anything and that the whole world is open to them. Well, Sarah doesn't do well with that. She hates having too many decisions, it truly stresses her out. I feel so bad for her, she doesn't know what to do. We will support her in whatever decision she makes as long as it is legal. And if you know Sarah you would now why I put that legal comment in there, just kidding :) She is so smart, talented, beautiful, kind, thoughtful, and at times she doesn't believe it. In this house she is the trend setter. Everyone goes off of her style of clothes, hair, and makeup, music, and it goes on at school too. It is so sweet to walk in on her at night sleeping to check on her because she still sleeps like she did when she was a baby. When she was a baby we were attached at the hip, we were never apart (and it is kind of still that way). I love her so much, she means so much to me. I want her to be happy, secure with herself, maybe not so shy. But she is so funny, in the mornings it is always turn off the fan and open the blinds and it will be a very sad day when she moves on and I don't have to do that anymore. She is always on top of the fashion world, she is a great sister and daughter, her smile lights up a room, and her eyes sparkle when she is talking to someone she likes. She is my Little Bird, oh how I love her so.

Nate the oldest of the 4 I have to say is the whackiest. He had a hard first 7 years of his life, but then he came and lived with Mike, myself, and Sarah (she was 9 months old). It was a great day, it was on a Wednesday in March of 1995. He has grown up and some paths he took were hard, others not so hard. But I think that's how you get character. You get it during the hard times, and hopefully you will turn out like Nate with no anger or hate hidden deep inside. He is easy to forgive and that is one thing that I did learn from him...to forgive easily and let it go. I love this kid he is always in a good mood unless you wake him up. You never want to wake up the bear, he is horrible. We have had bad times and good times and great times and I would not trade any of them for anything. Nate and I in a way grew up together. I was 24 when we adopted him, I was very young. But I love him.

A couple months ago Nate got jumped by these 4 guys at his apartment after he got off work. One guy held Nate's arm to the staircase railing while the another guy did the same thing on the other. Then another guy just started beating up Nate, but these guys were drunk and Nate was sobber. The fourth guy didn't do anything and neither did Nate's roommate. But this scrappy little Asian friend of theirs named Elton (love him) jumped in and started pulling guys off of Nate. Then they ran off. Well, I knew about this story and one night I was over there and one of the guys come to Nate's apartment because his girlfriend is friends with one of Nate's roommates. So this guy puts his hand out to shake my hand and says nice to meet you. I slapped his hand away and said aren't you one of the guys that jumped my son! And he said no it was my friends, and I said why didn't you tell them to get off or help Nate? Then him and I were nose to nose yelling at each other, I used to be a boxer I could have taken him. Then this guy looks over at Nate who is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and shruggs his shoulders and says you deal with her. Then the boy turned around and left. I have to say it was so much fun, almost like back in the day of my boxing period, sort of.

Sk8ter Boy

Last Friday I took Joe and 3 of his friends to a skateboard store and a really hard skate park downtown KC. Four little 11 years old boys and me, a 41 year old mom that is totally out of my element. But lucky for me I do have some history in the skateboarding life. For a time in my life I was involved with Stephen Baldwin's Ministry. But he was just the face of it, the real man in charge of it, I will call him Mr. Southern. The legendary skater Christian Hosoi was one of the lead speakers/skaters. I was in charge of finding a venue, local talent, and raising money. Unfortunately, the Ministry went under and we never were able to have a show in Kansas City.

I think that skaters have a bad reputations. They are very stereo typed of being on drugs, drinking, fighting, and just getting in trouble all the time. I'm not saying that there aren't any of those people in that community, but there are skaters that are good people, Christians, and out there to spread God's word, but they are always over looked by the troubled skaters. But I blame that on the media, society, parents, and on the skaters.

The media only reports about the crime that happens up there. And trust me I know there is a lot. Lots of drugs, liquor, cigs, and fighting. But, there is also NOT ONE PARENT UP THERE. The parents just drop them off and are done with them until the park closes. It just seems that parents don't care what their kids do anymore, just as long as they are seen (for a second) and not heard. It is so unhealthy, and it is such an easy fix. Parents want to put them on antidepressants, ADD meds, anxiety meds, anything to tame them down so they, as in the parent, don't have to deal with the real problem.

The kids are lost, and when an adult sits down with just one kid, you will notice that several other will start to gather. They are just like everyone....They just want to be heard and validated. And to me they have some of the coolest ideas. Someone needs to believe in them, love them, keep promises (such as their parent's staying married).

Ok, I'm off my soapbox. The boys and I went to the Escapists store downtown off Broadway and Southwest Blvd. That store is so nice but about $20 higher then the prices here in Olathe, KS. But they had some great stickers. So we bought stickers and by the time we were in the parking lot the boys were putting them on the bottom of their boards. Then off to the skate park we went.

It was great, we had it all to ourselves for a long time. Penn Valley Skate Park really is not for new skaters. Luckily my boys have had some time at the park in Olathe, Two Trails. After about 1 1/2 hours these 2 guys show up and they ripped up the park. We were talking to them and they have been skating for 8 years. One boy broke his wrist twice, ankle twice, and arm once. I was explaining to the boys that you have to do these tricks and just know that you are going to brake something sometime......but just not that day on my time :)

They were cool with the broken bones, it was dropping into the bowl that terrified them. Go figure. We all agreed it was one of the best days ever. Then we decided to go to a restaurant down off Metcalf Ave. But to make that long trip fun everyone had a straw, a napkin, and spit. So at every red light we blew spit balls at the cars around us. It was great we got windows, doors, and gas lids. We were laughing so hard. It was a great day of boy fun, luckily this lady has a great sense of boy humor.

You Gotta Laugh!!!!

If you have been reading my blogs you understand that for me, my life changes in a heartbeat. Well, there are these nice periods of time that things are quite. It's like the "calm before the storm", honestly it is. My older sister, Kim, always tells me in a boggled laugh that she can't believe all this happens to my family. Unfortunately, I have to agree with her. There are to keys to surviving these storms, 1) Pray & Put all Faith and Trust in Jesus 2) Step away from the situation and just watch how it plays out.


This year has had its ups and downs, but it seems as if it will end on a bad note. You know how I started this blog to share my family's funny stories? Well, in the last several months we seem to be running short on those. It totally sucks because I am not that kind of a person. I could always see the best in something bad, or could make a joke out of something. Lately my jokes and laughter are few and far between.

So here is what I am going to do, I will just list the short details of what is going on over here:

1)In 2009 Joe had the lenses in both eyes removed and synthetic ones put in. With "bags" stitched behind the lenses to keep in place. We just found out he will have to have another surgery to cut holes in the "bags" because his lenses are cloudy

2)Everyone knows in Feb, 2011 I suffered a 2nd grade concussion and ended up loosing my job that I loved. In August I suffered another concussion and my Post Concussion Syndrome was back (it never went away). We have now hired a lawyer and are trying to get Disability.

3) Mike had 2 part time jobs but no benefits, and we need them. He finally got a job with benefits, he was there for about 4 months and decides that job was not for him. So now we have 2 weeks benefits and to get all of our medical issues done.

4) Our oldest daughter Sarah-Kate keeps on saying that after graduation in December she is moving down to Texas to be with this boy that she has been talking to ONLINE for almost a year.

5) My health is not the best. But it is better not to tell anyone in my family because everyone is already dealing with a lot of crap. I feel this is my crap and will tell them when the time comes.

6) Our house is on the market, but we have had not had any showings in forever. That is fine because for some reason all the neighborhood kids think my house is theirs until bed time.

7) Even if we do sell it we have no idea where we are going.

Oh my gosh, as I am typing all this stuff out I am laughing. This is funny, this is the stuff movies are made of. I have 7 bad things that I easily rattled off, but I have about 100 good things I can also rattle off just as easy. It is so easy to get caught up in the drama of life and forget what the real purpose of life is. God wants us to be happy, joyous, trusting, and loving. I can be that, but "Life" gets in the way. Writing burdens out like that can really put things in perspective. I highly suggest it. Thanks for reading my complaining. Kristen