Perception

When I started this Blog on Saturday May 21, 2011 I was feeling real sorry for myself. I wrote things like, "What is a person to do when their limit is reached?" I think that is my favorite saying, I am always wondering what my limit is. I literally count out how many "bad things" have happened to me and my family. Honestly, I rarely ever count out how many "good things" have happened. Why is that? I think it is because it is much easier to knock ourselves down than it is to build ourselves up.

Did you know every time someone says a negative statement towards you, it takes 21 positive statements just to wipe that one mean one out. I can see football coaches yelling at their players. How they hold the player's face mask, get nose to nose with the kid, and in front of all the players start yelling, screaming at the top of his lungs, and spitting on the player while foaming at the mouth like a wild dog with rabies. I would say that is pretty negative. Now does that coach have to turn around and say 21 things that player did good that day? If he doesn't will that child go home and hurt himself? All left up for speculation.

I do know that we are all human, including parents. And there are those times we catch ourselves acting like our parents, even though we said throughout our whole entire teenage years we would never "be" like them. Now I find myself giving the most wisest wisdom that I learned from my parents, and trying to teach it to my children. Now I'm no idiot, I see their little blank faces, I know that they have mentally "checked out", and it drives me as crazy as it drove my parents. Rumor around the Hansan Household I hear is that our children are saying when they grow up and are parents they aren't going to be like us. All I can think of is, "SCORE! WE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!"

As a parent I certainly do not claim to know everything. I am really only doing this whole "Parent-Thing" by the Grace of God. Ever heard of the, "Power of the Praying Parent"? If you haven't I strongly recommend the book by Stormie Omartian. We are borrowing our children from the Lord, and it is our job to teach them God's way. This is what we want our children to learn first, and if they leave the path that they were walking on with God. Our children have the tools to know how to jump back on it, and they know God's grace and forgiveness. The past is in the past, and it is wiped away, and you are renewed. Thank You Jesus Christ our Savior

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Out of my four children three of them have blond hair and blue eyes. Only Sarah-Kate has brown hair and brown eyes like myself. If I remember correctly back in school, brown characteristics where the dominant genes. If that is true, then what the heck happened to my family? Mike has blue eyes and when he was a kid he had blond hair, but it turned brown (and now gray). I take this whole "gene" thing as a sign that I am NOT a dominant "gene" in this house.

I don't mean, "Boo Hoo, my family doesn't need me". Because trust me they do. When I worked full time, Mike was in charge of dinner. And it was a known fact the kids would be eating either frozen pizza, mac-n-cheese from a box, or spaghetti. We are now to the point we can't see, eat, smell, or even look at spaghetti anymore. I am just giving Mike a hard time. He really is a great Dad and in his defense he did ask me to write down some recipes for him. I just never did it.

Currently I'm not working because in the beginning of February I fell on the ice in our driveway. I fell backward and smacked the back of my head on the driveway, bad. I suffered a severe concussion, amnesia for almost 3 days, and had to go on a leave of absence at work. I ended up in speech therapy, therapy that helps with dizziness, I don't remember the month of February and most of March, numbers, days, and simple tasks are very challenging. I have what is called - Post Concussion Syndrome. I have never heard of this, but there is such a thing.

I ended up losing my job because I wasn't there a year yet and didn't qualify for FMLA. When the HR dept. called me to let me know I couldn't come back I just happened to be in speech therapy. I was devastated and started crying hysterically. My speech therapist is the one who told me about this, that is the only reason I know. I loved my job, I planned on retiring from Freightquote.com. I didn't need to look for another job, I was set. It is a great company to work for. I honestly loved everything about it, everything. But they couldn't hold my position so what could I do? Nothing.

I still have memory loss, it's very scary. My family and friends will tell me I did or say something but I won't remember any of it. The kids at first were getting a bit irritated with me because they would tell me their plans or something, and then 5 minutes later they would have to tell me again. They quickly found how it was beneficial for them too. If they got in trouble earlier in the day I would forget, so no punishment for them. They used that to their advantage often. I felt bad that everyone was getting frustrated with me, but honestly I had no idea why they were getting frustrated. I lost my short term memory, if they told me I would forget seconds later.

In my daily prayers I ask God to heal me. It is a fear of mine that I will stay like this. I have my degree in Communication, and now it is hard to finish a complete sentence. I am not as quick witted as I used to be. I have lost confidence in myself. I don't let anyone know this because this has gone on so long that I don't think anyone wants to hear about it anymore. That is OK, I don't want to live with it anymore. I do have peace in God, and I have to do my part and God will handle ALL of it.

So Blessed, I just have to except it

Have you ever sat back when you are home alone and there was complete silence? Look around your house, reflecting on all the stuff you have, the stuff your kids have, or the stuff your husband has? Well, today I made myself do that. I stopped what I was doing, no distractions for me, no more static. Because when you are in constant motion you don't have time to get a good look into your life. There is no way to see how the Lord has blessed you. There's no time to feel anything like sorrow, purpose, grief, sadness, shame, guilt, or even happiness. Or all the other feelings you have buried deep down inside us.

Those "feelings" are so hard to accept, hard to deal with, and very hard get to a healthy place with. I have been very lucky in my life to have been able to come in contact with some of the most wise and giving people in the area. Some are therapists, pastors, business owners, and authors. They have taught me so much about the difference between feelings vs. truth. Trust me there is a BIG difference.

Feelings come and go. I could wake up in the morning and feel sad, then get a great phone call in the afternoon and feel happy. They are up and down. I try not make a major or minor decision on how I feel. It is very challenging for me to do. But if I do, there is a good chance it is going to be a bad choice.

Feelings come from your past experiences, good or bad, that is what makes you who you are. Some pasts are not good, then it is important to seek help in a solid therapist, pastor, or Christian support group. It will help to figure out why you feel this unlovable, stupid, why you are in this abusive relationship. Don't be emotionally handicapped anymore.

It helps to get a piece of paper out and draw a line down the middle, one side name "Feeling" the other "Truth". Step back and pray to Jesus and ask Him for help with this. He will help open up your heart, I know first hand he will. On that piece of paper write a feeling word, "less of a woman" (for me). Then pray... truth is, I am doing what God tells women to do in the Bible. I am taking care of my family, I encourage, I'm devoted to my husband, and most of all Jesus is the King of our house. That was just an example on how to do it.

We are saved by the blood of Jesus, if you "feel" you are not getting love from your spouse or significant other, it doesn't matter. Jesus loves YOU so much that he died for you, YES YOU!! He died for Kristen Hansan, Mike Hansan, Nathan Hansan, Sarah-Kate Hansan, Allie Hansan, Joseph Hansan, Philip Severson, Pat Severson, Kim Melancon, Mark Melancon, Rachel Melancon, Claire Melancon, Gracie, Melancon, Luke Melancon, Tessa Melancon, Judy Hansan, Donnie Hansan, Sandy Stout, Randy Stout, Dylan Johnson, Tanner Johnson, and many many more. Thank you Lord.

Happy Mother's Day?

Having 4 children one would think that on Mother's Day I would not have to do a thing. Even more so since they are older, right? It never works out that way unfortunately. But, in their defense I don't want anything either. Every year I ask for the same thing...a handwritten letter from each child explaining what I mean to them. Once a year I want my ego stroked so kill me!

Now that they are getting older the letters are getting better. When they were toddlers I would get drawings. The drawings would be of the family or of me and them, I still have them. It's so funny, Joe used to draw hands so big. Which in Art Therapy is a symbol of safety, I learned. Nathan would make rainbows that would cover the whole page. That was a symbol of hope, which made me very happy that he was hopeful. Allie's people never had hands, that's not good, and Sarah-Kate's pictures never had any of the other children in it. Her pictures usually where only of Mike, myself and her....I should have caught on to that.

This year though, my letters where incredible. They really blew me out of the water. Nathan wrote three rough drafts before he completed the final one. Joe's letter was a metaphor on how I am like the sun and will always be there even if you can't see me because of clouds. And he is only 11 years old. Allie's was on a scrap piece of paper and was about me being a great mom. She said her friends wished I was their mom, but not when I get mad. Sarah-Kate has yet to write a letter. She is 16 years old and trying to "find" herself. The other day she was a Hippy, the day before that she was "Scene". I wouldn't want to change places with her, it is such a hard age. I told her to stop and just try being "Sarah-Kate", because I heard that Sarah-Kate is totally cool. Keep her in your prayers please.

Finally the end of the day is almost here (Thank the Good Lord). Dinner at our house is always a bit of a chore. Getting dinner on the table, telling everyone to wash their hands, setting the table, and getting drinks, it can get pretty crazy. But on this "glorious day" we tell stories about me/mother. My family has to tell of a funny story about me. Not hard, I am a mess I am not going to lie. We are sitting at the table and the kids are thinking, and Mike pipes in and says he has one. Now, Mike doesn't really get into this stuff at all, like never. The kids tell their stories and we all laugh. But NOT this year,NNNOOO, Mike has a funny dating story to boot. The kids are all ears because 1.Dad doesn't really ever share like this and 2.It's a dating story.

Let me just set the scene: It is almost 90 degrees outside, feels like 100 degrees in the house. We refuse to turn on the air conditioner. We are sitting down to eat and the stove has been on for about an hour. Nathan doesn't feel good. Sarah-Kate is in a "I Hate" mood. Allie is on Tylenol 3 so she is just fine. Joe, well Joe just wants someone to play catch with him after dinner. Mike speaks up and says, "I have a mom story. It goes back to when we were dating". I'm just thinking great, I am positive I was drunk in the story (because I was pretty much drunk the whole time we dated) and rude (because I was young and crude). Then he spoke of a time we where in Butler, MO. Oh yes, one of our Butler stories, WONDERFUL!!! It was about a fish fry we attended back in the day. How I was in the bed of a truck with about 8 farm boys, and of course I was drunk. Which Mike did leave out, but it goes without saying. And we had a farting contest...and I WON.

Really Mike? Why that story out of all ours stories? How in the world do you remember that and why would you remember that? I wouldn't think that was a proud moment for you. But in the end my children learned a little more about their mom. I am a strong enough woman to hang with 8 big home grown farm boys and out fart them all. I am probably more of a dude than a dudette, but still love men (if you know what I mean) That people can change, I am not as gross as I was. But I am not totally PC either. That Mom and Dad were partiers, but not anymore. We left that life when we completely gave ourselves to Jesus.

Tough Love Club

I think all mothers can relate when I say we give all of ourselves to our children...without any hesitation. I honestly don't think children are wired to always be thinking of how great their parents are. I know for a fact they aren't, and that's ok. It's fine when a child is a bit selfish, it's the only time in our lives we can get away with it. But it is when that selfishness follows them into adulthood.....that is when parents need to go into action and produce boundaries for themselves. AKA ~ Tough Love.

Some people call it "Tough Love", but who is it really tough on? So, let's say you kick your somewhat adult child out of the house. What now? They're gone! Who are the ones going to be upset? The child or you? I'm going to put my money on the parents. How do I know this? I have lived it first hand. I had an older sister who needed "Tough Love" and now I have a child in the same position.

People commonly say, "That is why they call it Tough Love", REALLY!!!!! Is that why? I mean what is that? How is that going to help me feel better? Do they think they are giving you advise or something? "I had no idea WWWWHHHYYYHY they called it Tough Love. Just thought it was a new club or kind of drink". With all sarcasm aside, when I step back and think about what they just said, it is almost like a code between parents. They are letting you know that they have been there and feel your pain.

When parents are dealing with their child who was/is a "big mess" it is hard to look beyond your own problems. But when other parents say that catchy phrase of, "that is why they call it Tough Love", usually they give you a look, almost like they are giving you permission to ask them for advise. Almost like a look of acceptance into their pain and troubles. I have to thank these selected few parents who let us into their lives and helped/are helping us get through our own "big mess".

Now we have something in common with these incredible people, and we are thankful to be part of the Tough Love Club. Everyone in this club is so very raw and real. There are hardly any secrets, and a ton of support. We do not know most of them but we know they are out there, so we pray for them. Ask me about our families "Tough Love" and will let you know how we handle it.

And when you are in the trenches with your child, and you really think that you have reached your limit....just know that other parents whom may have limits far beyond yours. I hope through all of this I gained character and knowledge. And have been able to turn that knowledge into wisdom.

I love my husband and my children so dearly. I am so glad that the Lord has let Mike and I borrow Nate, Sarah-Kate, Allie, & Joe while we are here on earth.